“I’m not going down on my knees begging you to adore me”

I’ve dropped this little thought into conversations over the past 9 months or so… possibly even earlier. The more I think about it the more I believe it to be true. Maybe i’ve convinced myself of its truth… maybe i’m trying to find a reason as to why i’m just so desperately unhappy at the moment… maybe it’s me trying to sound a lot more interesting than I inevitably am. Myabe it’s actually true!

“I was born in the wrong time”

I just don’t feel that I belong to the year 2008. I really don’t think that I should have been in 1979. I feel I was destined to be here at an earlier time, but for some reason, something happened and here I am now. Don’t get me wrong, there are things about being here now that I love, and most of it is music related. I feel genuinely bad for people who are here now, but don’t really understand the music about now because some of it is mind blowing and life changing… but maybe i’d have said the same thing if I was born in the right time.

I’m sensitive… despite the arrogance and the sarcasm I seem to be cursed with at the moment, I am incredibly sensitive… yet this time seems to lend itself to favour those that really aren’t. It seems to take a certain coldness and a certain hardness that guarantees success lately.

I don’t appreciate the numbing down of things that takes place anymore. In a relationship, I want to look at the person i’m with and feel that I love them and that they love me… yet today’s attitudes seem to be one of quick fixes and fast emotions… this is not for me. Found out a few things recently about someone I used to be in a relationship with and the things that were going on behind my back (with “friends”)… the internet playing a factor in a lot of this. I don’t like the internet and wish I was around in a time when it wasn’t there. It offers too much too soon and too easily. (How ironic, though, that i’m writing this on the very internet I claim to hate!)

I would love to have been around when things were just so much more fun. I’m tied to everything… gas bills, electricity bills, phone bills, credit cards… I want to opt out sometimes.

Even in terms of the political situation, the situation I have found myself in is that of what my friend Robbie calls the lost generation… being single in this time really does involve being a part of Generation X. No guaranteed pension, no tax credits from the government for being part of the major social group that contributes towards maintaining this society without asking for anything in return. It seems that to get anything in this country that can offer a degree of hope to your own situation at the moment you have to be in a committed family, be divorced, be unemployed or be addicted to heroin. I’m none of the above despite their apparent attractions, so what benefit do I get for working hard, trying to further myself and looking after myself? None!

My creativity that I think may exist somewhere is stifled because I literally do not have the time or the means to pursue any of it… I think I could be good at art, good at writing, even good at music… but my time is taken up with sorting things out, dealing with beauracracy and just trying to get through a day with some sort of resolution at the end of it.

I’m inadequate in so many ways, and this world of obsession with looks, money, status and possessions I don’t stand much of a chance in a lot of fields… in the past I may have done… but not today.

Even the news being as technological as it is reminds me of what a totally awful place this planet is. Why do we need to know what people are doing to each other around the world when there is nothing we can do, as individuals, to prevent it… and noone is concerned enough as collective to group together and do something about it!

The only good thing I can think of about being here and being now is that racism seems to be disappearing. Cultures are integrating more and sharing the best of their own amongst themselves. People are being shown that the world is a horrible place and that they could do something about it if they only stopped thinking of the immediate thrill, the internet, the next sexual thrill and the next impulse purchase.

This world is actually in all honesty a great place, and despite my protesting that “life is shit” an awful lot, it’s the people on it that make it bad. I’ve said this before on here and i’ll say it again, and it comes from the words of an Erasure song, but we really are trapped on a world full of strangers… so why not do all we can to make it the best it can be for everyone?

To quote one more song… “I don’t belong here.“

~ by Andrew Fallon on April 28, 2008.