“Above the call of sirens”

I’ve had a little think about my New Year’s Resolutions and whether i’ve stuck to them very much…

• “Attempt to write something a bit more than poetry and ramblings… not quite a novel, but see if I can write something that lasts longer than a few lines” – Not really, no… done a bit more writing but nothing of any great substance yet.

• “Look after my body a lot more. I don’t want to get to later life and realise that things I was doing to myself now were responsible for the way i’m going to end up.” – Kind of yeah… I have definitely lost weight over the last 6 weeks, and I am eating a lot healthier than I used to. Once I move, hopefully the stress will make the weight fall off, and there will also be a gym in the next street. Whether I join remains to be seen.

• “Rediscover music again… i’ve let this one go a bit, and even today i’ve downloaded stuff by Tori Amos i’d never heard before, and i’m falling in love with her all over again… the fact she has a new album out this year will help with that I suppose. I also want to discover new bands to get into. I’m quite a fascist when it comes to music, and I want to open my mind a little.” – I actually think i’ve been really good with this one, and there are loads of new bands and songs on my download list that I want to hear more of… Pandora Internet Radio has helped with this a lot.

• “Stop trying to see the negative in every situation. A typical virgo trait… more a defence mechanism than anything else I suppose, but it is tiresome being the only one to spot problems that haven’t happened yet… even if it does mean i’m more prepared for them than most.” – This I have gotten a lot better at. When something happened in the past that used to upset me, i’d deal with it instantly, having already jumped to completely the wrong conclusion… now I wait a little and see if I am wrong in how I see things (usually I am) and then realise i’d have made things far worse by reacting without waiting. I feel i’m a lot more mature than I was 6 months ago and that can only be a good thing. I’ve recently had an opportunity to get back in touch with an ex, and rather than doing it and facing the nasty consequences, i’ve taken a step back and realised it’d do no good either to me or him or other people around us.

• “Stop trying to second guess people. Things have been said in the past by other people and i’ve totally misread their intentions and overreacted.” – Same as the above, really.

• “Take more photographs.” – I have taken more over the past 6 months, including some really good ones in Barcelona. I applied to Liverpool Community College yesterday to do their Level 1 Photography course to give me more of an incentive to get better. I seem to have a natural flair for this, and i’ve decided that as far as hobbies go, it’s one of the better ones so am going to pursue it a lot further.

• “Spend more time with my family.” – Not really… there’s a lot of stuff I have to deal with with regards my family… not that they are bad people in any way… I just don’t seem to get on with them very well for some reason. It’s like there’s this barrier up on my part, but I am getting help with this and hopefully there will be some changes soon.

• “Never miss out on an opportunity out of fear for what may not happen (the negative thing again).” – I made a bit of a tit of myself in Barcelona whilst flirting with a particularly attractive barman trying to uphold this one… but it was worth it. I’ve come to a bit of a deep decision with regards this one. With me and Steve moving apart from each other, and me not knowing how life is going to turn out, I decided to give counselling a go… and it seems to be going okay. I’m learning that I have huge issues with my insecurity and that to move on from it, I’m going to have to be put in situations that threaten me, so I can see that there was nothing to lose from them. It’s a huge gamble because if something goes wrong it’ll just keep my fears even more rooted in my subconscious. Basically, i’m very insecure over Steve meeting new people once we live apart and I am going to have to let him do it in order to get over this fear. But this is where the depth comes into it… I’ve decided that because i’m doing all this, and have been going to counselling, and am prepared to put myself in situations that are going to upset me, then I deserve the same respect and that I’m going to start meeting and getting to know new people if the situation arises away from friendships and relationships I have now.

• “Try harder at University… I’m doing well (I think) up to now and I really enjoy and don’t want to let this opportunity pass me by.” – I’ve done so well this year and according to my tutors, if I can develop well next year, I’m well on the way to getting a first. I love it and am going to do well. I owe it to myself.

• “Try new foods.” – Not done much of it yet, but my next big goal is to get myself trying seafood. I’ve never been a fan, and I did give mushrooms a go (and they are still horrible), so seafood is next on my list.

• “Keep better contact with people i’ve neglected in the past.” - Again, no, and i’m just chatting to a mate on MSN about a mutual friend i’ve lost touch with. Maybe it’s a fact of life that people do come and go from our lives, but we don’t have to let it happen so easily.

• “Stop hoarding useless stuff out of fear of just throwing it away.” – With the move coming up, this has reared its ugly head again. I have to admit i’m finding it difficult. I have a cupboard full of old birthday cards and letter and notes in and I found a bag under the bed this week with my A-level physics exercise books and folders in it, and I just couldn’t throw them away. Not a single one. I got myself into a big anxious state at the thought of it… but I did come to a compromise, and that is if I could get a pile of old papers and cards etc. together that I could theoretically bring myself to get rid of, then I would do it as long as I could burn them. I don’t know what the significance of burning them is, but I suppose it’s the fact that once they have been set on fire, there really is no way I can have them back. Maybe it’s a kind of subconscious ritual… but whatever it is, it’s probably the biggest cause of irrational anxiety in my life at the moment and I am determined to get over it.

All in all I think i’ve done okay this year. I’ve made some huge strides emotionally, yet they really do feel natural and not forced and completely right to have done them. I’m genuinely excited to see where this year, and the next few years are going to lead me, and how my relationships with people are going to change now i’m living alone. I feel that old friends will become more important to me, and the forging of new friendships is going to bring nothing but good stuff my way. I look forward to seeing how things turn out, and I look forward to feeling and being in situations that i’ve never been in before. For the first time in a long time I have hope that i’m going to be okay.

~ by Andrew Fallon on May 23, 2007.