Times have changed. What seemed comfortable to feel about someone is no longer acceptable. I have grown, and I feel awful that every entry into this blog seems to be about me and how I feel.

I really, truly feel like a grown up. Despite mentally feeling 17 in the head I have to accept that i’m approaching 30.

It hurts to face my mistakes and realise that there is no-one to blame for them but me… but still they don’t feel like my mistakes.

I’m just a victim of circumstance, surely?!

Decisions i’ve made weren’t really mine were they?! I had to do things spur of the moment. I’m just sorry.

Truly sorry… to those i’ve hurt along the way.

Happy Birthday. x

I remember a time when my skin didn’t fit
My shoes were too small and my voice wasn’t heard
I remember a time when my feelings were wrong
My life wasn’t lived and I liked it that way

I remember a time a time when I trusted completely
My emotions were older, my age gave away
I remember a time when I loved with suspicion
My trust was a gift and I didn’t need saving

I remember a time when I travelled alone
My journey was distant yet always alone
I remember a time before I met you
My journey was distant yet always alone

I remember a time when you told me you loved me
My heart wasn’t there yet I made you hold on
I know now the decision that I have to take
My heart isn’t ready, my heart isn’t ready.

I find myself treading
Alone in the dark
Belonging to here
And yet leaving no mark
Despite all the fears
And feeling alone
You always look down
To make my path known

You give when it’s lonely
You take nothing back
Up there in the darkness
Embracing the black
The hunter of evening
With sword by your side
Never reaching your quarry
You march on with pride

I’m brave when you’re with me
A pharaoh of now
Indiscretions mean nothing
My faults you allow
The curse of the summer
When you glow without sight
And the fleeting of glimpses
As you chase through the night

My journey is dirty
And most selfish of al
I only desire you
When pride takes a fall
Yet you give when i’m lonely
You take nothing back
Up there in the darkness
Embracing the black

I’ve dropped this little thought into conversations over the past 9 months or so… possibly even earlier. The more I think about it the more I believe it to be true. Maybe i’ve convinced myself of its truth… maybe i’m trying to find a reason as to why i’m just so desperately unhappy at the moment… maybe it’s me trying to sound a lot more interesting than I inevitably am. Myabe it’s actually true!

“I was born in the wrong time”

I just don’t feel that I belong to the year 2008. I really don’t think that I should have been in 1979. I feel I was destined to be here at an earlier time, but for some reason, something happened and here I am now. Don’t get me wrong, there are things about being here now that I love, and most of it is music related. I feel genuinely bad for people who are here now, but don’t really understand the music about now because some of it is mind blowing and life changing… but maybe i’d have said the same thing if I was born in the right time.

I’m sensitive… despite the arrogance and the sarcasm I seem to be cursed with at the moment, I am incredibly sensitive… yet this time seems to lend itself to favour those that really aren’t. It seems to take a certain coldness and a certain hardness that guarantees success lately.

I don’t appreciate the numbing down of things that takes place anymore. In a relationship, I want to look at the person i’m with and feel that I love them and that they love me… yet today’s attitudes seem to be one of quick fixes and fast emotions… this is not for me. Found out a few things recently about someone I used to be in a relationship with and the things that were going on behind my back (with “friends”)… the internet playing a factor in a lot of this. I don’t like the internet and wish I was around in a time when it wasn’t there. It offers too much too soon and too easily. (How ironic, though, that i’m writing this on the very internet I claim to hate!)

I would love to have been around when things were just so much more fun. I’m tied to everything… gas bills, electricity bills, phone bills, credit cards… I want to opt out sometimes.

Even in terms of the political situation, the situation I have found myself in is that of what my friend Robbie calls the lost generation… being single in this time really does involve being a part of Generation X. No guaranteed pension, no tax credits from the government for being part of the major social group that contributes towards maintaining this society without asking for anything in return. It seems that to get anything in this country that can offer a degree of hope to your own situation at the moment you have to be in a committed family, be divorced, be unemployed or be addicted to heroin. I’m none of the above despite their apparent attractions, so what benefit do I get for working hard, trying to further myself and looking after myself? None!

My creativity that I think may exist somewhere is stifled because I literally do not have the time or the means to pursue any of it… I think I could be good at art, good at writing, even good at music… but my time is taken up with sorting things out, dealing with beauracracy and just trying to get through a day with some sort of resolution at the end of it.

I’m inadequate in so many ways, and this world of obsession with looks, money, status and possessions I don’t stand much of a chance in a lot of fields… in the past I may have done… but not today.

Even the news being as technological as it is reminds me of what a totally awful place this planet is. Why do we need to know what people are doing to each other around the world when there is nothing we can do, as individuals, to prevent it… and noone is concerned enough as collective to group together and do something about it!

The only good thing I can think of about being here and being now is that racism seems to be disappearing. Cultures are integrating more and sharing the best of their own amongst themselves. People are being shown that the world is a horrible place and that they could do something about it if they only stopped thinking of the immediate thrill, the internet, the next sexual thrill and the next impulse purchase.

This world is actually in all honesty a great place, and despite my protesting that “life is shit” an awful lot, it’s the people on it that make it bad. I’ve said this before on here and i’ll say it again, and it comes from the words of an Erasure song, but we really are trapped on a world full of strangers… so why not do all we can to make it the best it can be for everyone?

To quote one more song… “I don’t belong here.“

I just want to hide for a while. No real reason. Just want to kind of opt-out of the race for a while. Just sleep for a bit… disappear for a short time. Delete.

Feeling a bit out of sorts. I literally have a week left of University. Essays are all drying up, and there will be nothing for me to study for a while. Feels great. But what about everything else?

Relationship wise there is nothing on the horizon. I tend to be a man repellant at the moment… well in terms of anything more than friendship anyway. I’m sure there’s one person in particular who’s reading this and laughing to himself in that smug, arrogant way that only he can laugh. Twat.

Maybe it’s just not the right time for me. Maybe i’m just not relationship material for people. I’m not a huge clubber, or dancer, or party animal. I go out but would rather go with friends to somewhere we can eat and chat for the majority.

Maybe i’m not interesting enough. I’m reasonably intelligent, but maybe I just don’t talk about the right things with people to hold their interest for long. Maybe my looks aren’t good… perhap i’m an acquired taste, but no-one’s stuck with it long enough to develop it.

Maybe i’m too sarcastic and too opinionated. Maybe i’m too nasty. Maybe i’m too nice.

Maybe i’m just not good enough.

I am in love with Fyfe Dangerfield (on the left).

I’ve had it pointed out to me recently that I come across really badly sometimes due to my sarcastic nature, and it’s got me thinking quite a bit recently whether things that have gone wrong with people in the past has been down to me being misinterpreted (although that implies that i’m not to blame) when i’ve been being sarcastic. I personally think that sarcasm (even though it is described by some as the lowest form of wit) can be incredible intelligent, and I often judge someone by whether or not they can get it. Perhaps this is where i’m going wrong.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I am so sarcastic all the time. Is it because i’m a virgo, and that’s what virgo’s are like?! Is it because I always feel like I have to have the last word? Is it because I enjoy pointing out people’s little quirks and faults to them? Is it because I want to appear like a smart mouth?! Is it so I can actually get my point across without causing conflict, but causing the very conflict in the process?!

Whatever the reason is i’m beginning to try and consciously curb it. But should I!? Should I change this side of my personality because people don’t understand me sometimes and get offended by me, or should I just hold out until I find someone that does get it and does love it.

If I have ever really offended anyone with sarcasm, i’m truly sorry. It is never and has never been my intention to cause anyone any upset with it. I find it funny, and I probably thought you’d find it funny, too. Chances are if i’ve been sarcastic towards you it’s because i’m reverting to playground psychology and hiding my true feelings for you… which happens to be a trait I can’t bear in others…

So maybe I should try and change this side to my personality then, after all.

Maybe we can try to fix this
Find that there is something to keep
Like the feeling I get when my lips kiss your lips
And your arms hold me close as you sleep.
Maybe there is some redemption
Perhaps there needn’t be the regret
We can keep trying and testing each other
And learn to forgive, and learn to forget.

Maybe we could take it further
Remember there is no-one but us
Remove all the fighting and shouting and screaming
And return it to how it once was.
Maybe we can look back and laugh
At how close we came to goodbye
No longer tempt fate with the granted we’ve taken
And learn to believe and to love and to try.

But maybe this is it forever
Love has gone and hope the same
Embrace how I miss you yet can’t ever see you
And never get used to not speaking your name.
Maybe I will never recover
From what we’ve managed to become
How you hugged me and kissed, yet managed to leave me
How i’m bitter and lonely and frightened and numb.

Love’s the deepest breath that only leaves you wanting more
Love’s the harshest critic that ruins what you knew before
Love’s the greatest feeling that breaks you when you least expect
Love’s the biggest secret to creep up when you don’t suspect

Love’s the minor keys and chords in every song you hear
Love’s the tears of pain and joy when you are gone and you are near
Love’s the heartache of never knowing how I really feel
Love’s the heartache of never knowing how you really feel

Love’s the crushing tightness that wraps around your heart at night
Love’s the quiet tenderness that keeps you close and holds you tight
Love’s the big distraction that steals away your months and years
Love’s the guilt; the fears; the rain; the night; surprises; chaos; fears

I want to remove
To leave all my cares
Be somewhere unnoticed
To not belong there
Go on without feeling
Be numb to it all
Be lost with the tides
To stumble and fall

Be innocent, wanting
Believe in the best
To make my mistakes
And to fail the tests
To return a bit wiser
Unplaying the fool
Rewriting the guidebook
Unbreaking my rules

Gosh it’s been a fair old while since I wrote anything on here. Loads of things have happened as well.

Work an Uni are still going well… I have dated a few people… some with success, others not. I had decided I needed a little time away from airing my life on the internet for a while, but the time feels right to be back on here.

Break up for Easter from Uni in a week or so but I have a shit load of assignments to get through so I hope I manage to find the inspiration to get through them.

Had a great weekend… went out on Saturday into Liverpool and it was one of the best nights out i’ve had in a while. David (someone I hope to see more of) stayed on Sunday and Monday night. Things seem to be going well despite one or two things and I have decided I really really like him… so no doubt something will go wrong.

Still the eternal optimist.